


save as draft

by lucidlights



Category: Produce 101 (TV), UP10TION, VICTON (Band)
Genre: Angst, Letters, M/M, Short One Shot, Unsaid words, word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 06:02:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20902814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucidlights/pseuds/lucidlights
Summary: Seungwoo knew better than to reopen the wound.





	save as draft

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dreamsailing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamsailing/gifts).

> to e,  
here it is. took me a minute to publish (sorry i've been occupied lately) i hope you enjoy!!!

Dear Wooseok,

_ What I tell you may or may not reach you. I won't try to pretend apathy for both possibilities. _

—

Do you still want my orange shirt that you borrowed a lot? I’m doing a clean up in my place and figured that you can have it. 

I saw your Instagram page and leave it to you to take pretty travel photos. Honestly, I don't get how you can stomach traveling a lot. You’ve been to three cities in two weeks. I admit that I’m jealous that you get the privilege to see wonderful views. But then again, I will be missing home. I get too uneasy with greater distance between what I know to what I don't. It’s like that time when I woke up late, missing the bus for the school trip. I boarded the wrong bus taking me north rather than south. I probably would have ended up further north if you hadn't called and got me back in the right direction. You know how signs confuse me so I prefer to play it safe.

I hope you are alright where you are staying. Whenever I see you on the campus, you look so worn out. The bags beneath your eyes look like they are capable of carrying my semester’s readings. I’m still working with this art of language and writing so bear with me.

Take care of yourself okay. Drink lots of water, nourish yourself with proper food and don't skip any meals.

—

Do you remember me mentioning how terrible I am with directions? Well, I figured out my life direction but it’s starting to burn down to hell. After graduation, I thought life would fall into its place accordingly but then again I was mistaken. I hate my work so much. I hate how physically, mentally and emotionally drained I’m feeling. 

It’s only about three months but my workload has been overly demanding. I wanted to quit but then again unemployment would lead me to the streets which are worse.

Enough about me, I guess you have been busy lately seeing how idle your social media are. Don't overload yourself with caffeine. You know how cranky you are if so and how terrible your crashes are after. I hope we get to eat out soon. 

Take care.

—

There was a downpour today. If you were here you would have loathed it. The wind was chilly and rain pouring heavily making the street and people wet. I used to have an ambiguous liking towards the rain but when we got stranded under the bus stop, you made sure to let me know how inconvenient it was to you. It was always quiet when it rained. The quiet is something that I crave right now. You know, to lie in bed and decipher the signs and classify if its a good one or a bad one.

I met this guy on Tinder, he was alright. He was tall, had this amazing vibe and humor. We went out for a movie date. He gave me a head in the cramped cinema seat and it was nice. He keeps contacting me but I don't know what to do. I feel wronged entertaining him when I know myself that I can't reciprocate his feelings back. I hope I figure this out eventually.

Always bring a thick jacket, okay, the news said that the cold season will be starting early.

—

Do you somewhat remember Jinhyuk? I can't believe we’re working in the same office. We met at the office's pantry when I was about to refill my water bottle and he was there warming up his sandwich. He’s still like the old days, always smiling at everything, and oh he introduced me to his boyfriend Sejin. They were so cute. I guess you’ll like Sejin since you two are of the same age and height.

I’m seeing someone right now. I guess I already told you about it him, well it turns out he was actually okay. His name is Seungyoun. I feel bad dodging his messages before but it kinda worked out. We went out hiking and skiing last weekend. The view was spectacular. I attached a photo here but knowing my lack of photography skills it didn't much capture of its glory.

Drink lots of chamomile tea. It helps to warm you up this winter.

—

Winter is finally over. I finally don't have to scrape some stubborn ice from my windshield. The sky is clear out being the prettiest blue it can be. It somewhat reminds me of you during our first meeting. A pretty boy wearing a blue oversized sweater with its sleeves cover its hands. That time, I associate you with that hue. I don't know, probably because the color has contrasting ideas. Blue is cool and icy but it can also be warm, kind of like you.

Seungyoun and I will be going to Seokchon this weekend to check out some Cherry Blossoms. He’s excited he already planned out an outfit for the both of us.

Don't forget to bring face masks! you know how bad your sneezing fits are during springtime. Also, stock up some of your allergy meds and wash your hair every time you go out to get rid of the sneaky pollen that may trigger your allergy!

Have a nice spring.

—

Today was excruciatingly boring. Seungyoun is out with his family for their overseas trip and that leaves me alone on a Friday night with a tub of mint chocolate ice cream and thoughts. I backread all of our text messages from before and I must say that I do have awful humor hence, "Wooseok-nim, I want to protect you".

Okay I lied, I’m also having some booze with the ice cream. Let me tell you how grateful I am to you. I’m grateful for the friendship. I’m such a mess of a person. Foolish to think that I had already figured it out. I’m still confused about life and myself. Why is the world so unfair? Why does it have to crumble down when I’m almost alright.

I blabber too much, blame it to the alcohol as they say. I hope you're having what you deserve.

—

Seungyoun once told me I have a habit of intellectualizing things that I don't want to talk about. When I had to tell Sunhwa noona that I submitted my resignation paper, I talk about how overworked people are and about taxes, bills and price increases. I guess it's my defense mechanism to slowly accept defeat.

So here it goes; Hate is not the opposite of Love. Hate is defined to be an extreme dislike for Love is stronger than liking. Some said its correct opposite is apathy or indifference

I thought I loved Seungyoun. I thought that the L-word was equivalent to what I want to say to him in reciprocating his feelings. I think I had never actually wanted something that is beyond superficialities; a hand to hold, lips to kiss, possibilities of something happening, in between messages, and a body to house to.

I shattered his heart like how I did to you.

I recollected myself and think of what I wanted for the longest time. It painted a picture of a simple household. A home in a quiet part of the city. Wherein I could talk without a code. To walk without a mask and bear my heart to my sleeves.

I am still a stranger for language and lost with myself as I pen the contents of this letter. I fear that my words won't have the depths of my feelings.

I miss you. I miss you so much, especially now I can't talk to you. I miss you now. I miss you when we were together when we both know I always hold back afraid of losing you but then I lose you. I was terrified that I misunderstood all the signals and signs even though they were all clear. I wish I fought harder for you.

I wish I can say I’m a better person now, or I’m confident I won't leave you this time. My world is at its lowest.

Right now what I wanted you to know is that I want to see you. I don't know what exactly to say to you or what you want to hear. There is uncertainty but you make everything easier.

You deserve to be happier.

Sincerely, with equal parts concern and confusion. In short, Regretfully yours, 

Seungwoo.

✓ _Read 10:27 PM_

**Author's Note:**

> hello ♡ [Twitter](https://twitter.com/bbangqyus)


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